The Prudent Hedonist

There is a special sort of pain that only afflicts a certain variety of geek.

If you’re ever feeling particularly cruel, find yourself a gamer who has at least a passing interest in action/horror movies, or an action/horror movie buff who plays video games at least now and then. For extra points – find the guy (or girl) in line at the midnight showing of the biggest summer sci-fi blockbuster who is playing on his Nintendo DS and and possibly wearing a shirt from last year’s comic-con. Then say, “Did you hear that Uwe Boll is adapting…” and note the looks of fear, pain, horror, nausea and anger that alternate across your mark’s face before you even finish the sentence.

Uwe Boll is famous for taking the genre of videogame movies that suck more than anyone thought that videogame movies could suck before (which is really saying something given that this is a genre that includes both Dungeons & Dragons and Super Mario Brothers: The Movie). His body of work includes such gems as: Bloodrayne, House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark (the only movie I have ever seen earn a 1% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes).

And now, he’s my fucking hero. No seriously, stick with me people. You see, there was this petition started to get Dr. Boll to stop making movies. He promised that if it reached a million signatures, he would stop. Now that it’s getting up there (218,947 sigs at the moment), he is feeling a little emo because nobody understands his genius and has decided to fight back via the youtubes.

His rant is the most beautifully delusional ego-maniacal tirade I’ve ever witnessed. He calls Michael Bay a “fucking retard”, decries Eli Roth’s “shitty movies” and declares himself “the only genius in the whole fucking business”. All in the most amazing german accent I have heard in ages. It almost makes me willing to watch Postal, just so that I can continue to experience his madness… maybe he is a genius after all?

So, it’s possible that a couple of weeks ago, I had a hankering to own all of the original Alien movies in one handy box set so I maybe ordered a box of awesome on Amazon. It’s also possible that Amber and I were cockblocked in our search for advanced derby tickets on Thursday, and we didn’t feel like dealing with the stress of trying to get them at the door, so there was no derby on Saturday. Given both of these items, and the fact that I had beer in the house, and the fact that I was able to rope Houtkooper into bringing me pizza, it’s easy to understand how I maybe spent upwards of 6 hours on Saturday night watching Sigourney Weaver kick ass, take names, and run around in her underwear.

Of course, this leaves me more annoyed than usual on a Monday, because not only do I not get to go to work IN SPACE, nor do I get to have an exoskeleton, but I also have to ponder why-oh-why, in the special edition of Alien 3, the initial alien gestates inside of a cow, instead of inside of the dog, like I remembered it. Why would they do that? Especially since there is a scene that they left in where one of the inmates calls out for the dog in the pipe tunnel things, which now doesn’t make sense because we never actually see the dog on screen. Honestly.

Pirates!

Also, I’m in the market for a motorcycle safety class that a.) I can take somewhere in the twin cities, and b.) provides students with helmets. The MMSC Basic Riding Course is close, but I’m not willing to commit to a helmet yet. Thoughts?

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that the best movie theater ever is hosting a Super Smash Bros. Brawl tournament on their big screen this Friday at Midnight.

So Awesome.